A hard path to walk...

The night before we got our travel date, I was staring at my blog, realizing I hadn't updated people in a long while about what was going on with our adoption. I had written half of a post, and was too tired to write anymore, so I closed my computer and went to bed, thinking I would finish the next day. But oh how the next day changed everything in our lives so very much! So where do I even start?

Well, for starters, I am currently sitting in Uganda in an apartment fit for many more people then just a mere one person, but I find only myself within these walls.

More on that in a minute.

For those who haven't followed along on facebook or see me in person very often, you may be thinking "What?!?! Uganda? When did things change to Uganda?"

So let me back up just a bit... or maybe, a lot!

Remember the accident that my boys and I were in back in January (here)? Well that accident changed more then just our vehicle situation and left more then bruises and wrecked spines.

After the accident, my husband, Josh, and I felt like we needed to step back and just breathe. We needed to re-evaluate where we were in life, what God had called us too, and if we were headed on the right path. I did not feel good after the crash, and to be honest, I still deal with things from it to this day. But it was more then that. Something in our hearts was saying that something was not right... and we needed to figure out what that was before we kept going.

So Josh and I decided to take the month of February, and pray about what to do. We didn't feel at peace in our current program, if anything, the longer we stayed there we got more and more uneasy, that this wasn't what we were supposed to be doing. We had been addressed about a potential match once in that program, but Josh and I knew we weren't supposed to take it.

In all honesty, we were so conflicted! We had been pursuing this particular country for a year at this point, and had lost two kids in the process already. I, personally, had spent hour after hour doing research about the countries history, the state it was currently in, and the medical challenges that recently bombarded the country. We felt entirely invested in the country. We wanted to know as much as we could about our potential kids culture, history, and challenges. But then we started to think back to some very pivotal points in our adoption journey so far, and why we had found ourselves in the place that we had.

We thought back to the very beginning, about why we picked Sierra Leone in the first place. And mainly it was because, when you decide that you are going to adopt, you have no idea which way to go or turn, you rely heavily on the advice of others who have walked the path before, and we had been told about a great program in Sierra Leone, and we just went for it. We went into it, entirely trusting the advice of friends, and it really did seem like it was a good path to pursue. But as we thought back to it, we had to ask ourselves the questions: did we actually seek God's plan about where we were supposed to be adopting from, or did we blindly follow advice?

It was a good question, and we needed to ponder it. We also thought back to when we had lost the two kids we had been pursing (here), and what we had been feeling at that point. We knew one thing for certain at that point, that we were to continue our process, but we didn't know where, how, or who? At that time, we had considered adopting form Uganda, there was something in my mind that kept putting this country on my heart... but gosh darn it! I was invested! Like 100% invested. Seriously, y'all... you have no idea how many hours I spent researching things about that country! When an entirely new program started their pilot program in Sierra Leone, Josh and I threw everything aside and jumped on board. We were the very first 1 or 2 couples to sign up. And dang it, we were excited!

...

But now, when I think back to it, God was already changing my heart at that point. Yes, we were excited and pushed forward with everything we had, but we totally ignored what had been pressing on our hearts because we had so deeply invested ourselves, we thought there was no other way.

When the accident happened, and we were challenged with re-evaluating everything, these were just some of the things that we had felt God was bringing to light. So we prayed and prayed for the entire month of February. We didn't talk to many people about our adoption at this point, and if we did, it just felt weird... and we felt we were just excited to hear about how God was moving in other peoples adoption stories, and in ours there was nothing left... it felt like a burden that was suffocating us, rather then a journey that is hard.

By the end of February, we had received a potential referral in the Sierra Leone program. And as I said before, Josh and I knew immediately that we weren't supposed to take it. This became the point where Josh and I knew that we needed to decide. We didn't want to stay in a program, where we didn't feel like we were meant to be, and continue to receive referrals and be in the way of these kids being matched with families.

We didn't totally know where to go at this point, if we should just stop all together, or go to a different program, or to a different agency... and then the Uganda program, which everyone thought was going to be closed (with the same agency) and we thought was no longer an option, opened back up again. The country that God had been putting on our hearts back in December when we had lost the two kids, was sitting before us. So I called the Ugandan coordinator, and picked her brain for a bit, and my husband and I, on February 29th, 2016 made the call, and officially changed to the Ugandan program.

We felt, well, like we could breathe. Like God was saying 'FINALLY! This kids are actually listening to Me!!!' ***We still know other people in the Sierra Leone program, and they are doing great! God just had different plans for us... just clarifying! ***

On March 3rd, a whopping 4 days after we changed programs, our coordinator called us, and said "So... I have a match for you!"

By the way, we thought this was going to take a heck of a lot longer! Haha!

But in this call, we found out that this baby girl was the only child who was available to match (had investigations done) and we were the only family at the moment who was ready to receive a referral.

In this call of 'surprise, I have a match for you...' there was also included 'surprise, you need to go a lot faster then you wanted too!'

The match was for a two year old baby girl, and just like we had known immediately that the other potential match we had been offered was a no, we had known immediately that this one was a YES! But, we really did have to get our butts in gear!

See we had planned to take our time, since I still wasn't/am not 100% up to par after the accident. But, there is this little thing called a law, and it's trying to pass in Uganda. See, this law was what caused agencies to stop taking any more clients for Uganda in the first place, and they thought with the elections in Uganda the bullet was dodged and it wasn't going to be passed anymore. So they took in new referrals again (for like a week, and this is when we joined), and found out that this law still might actually pass. SURPRISE!

This law, if it ever gets signed in, will make it MUCH harder, near impossible, for people to adopt out of Uganda. Meaning all of these kiddos, like our little girl, will be stuck in orphanages, likely for the rest of their childhood. Kicker is, no one knows when they are going to present this law, but once it's presented, you've only got 30 DAYS to finalize your adoption in country. In other words, you need to just get your stuff together and get it done!

Josh and I were nervous, I ain't gonna lie! I wasn't sure how we were going to get the funds together, I didn't feel good enough to do loads of paperwork AND fundraise, it was either one or the other! So we set out on the paperwork and just trusted God on the finances. We had zero fundraising ideas that weren't too challenging , except making a video, which we asked my brother to do a few days after getting the match, which I ended up posting late because of so many things, but you can find it (here) in the updates.

Fast forward through loads of paperwork, loads of hours filling out forms, sitting at a printer for hours on end, and scrambling to get things filed in time and a lot of flare ups from my accident. We were told that once we find out when our court date is, we might have mere days to travel to Uganda, or hopefully, a week! We sent out affidavits out to request a court date on March 11th, and on April 12, 2016, we got a court date!

Court was in exactly two weeks, April 26th, and it was time to really get into high gear in getting things DONE! We left 8 days later, on April 20th, and said a really hard goodbye to our three boys in the airport (where I cried like a baby!)! So here I am, sitting in Uganda.

But, now, yes, I am by myself :( So a lot has happened since we got here, and since this post is already getting super long, I might save that for later. In a week and a half, I've had to say goodbye to our three boys in Minnesota, my husband, and our baby girl.

Y'all, I cannot even begin to tell you how immensely HARD it is to say goodbye to all of those who are nearest and dearest to your hearts, and settle in for 11 more days of being totally alone in a foreign country. Lots of tears have flown from these eyes in the past 10 days, and it is HARD.

My husband had to go back to the States to be with our boys and to work. Our baby girl, we were told that it is too dangerous for her to stay with me until we get the paperwork saying that she is ours. They are very afraid someone will try to take her from me. So, Josh and I had to do the hardest thing we've ever done, after having spent an amazing 6 days with her, we had to drop her back off at the orphanage, and now drive 2 hours to visit her about 2-3 times a week.

Just, I can't even begin to tell you... everyone says adoption is hard... but guys, it is HARD! It wrecks you... and when you think you're whole again, it breaks you all over in a whole new way. My heart is in a million pieces, but whole at the same time. I've cried more in 10 days then I have in a year... and laughed immensely at the joy baby girl brings into our lives. I miss my boys terribly... I miss her and hate where she is at... and I miss my husband who has been here to support me this whole time and gave me good laughs when I needed them most... My heart is here, yet it is scattered all over. I long for the day when we will all be together under one roof as one big, crazy family.